Eiko says...Dad is starting a new Out Reach project, and he wanted me to lend him a hand with a thing or two which involves my past--the part of my past when I was absolutely mental concerning a few eating disorders. I reluctantly agreed, NOT because it's a touchy subject--it's not.
If you were to ask me about my anorexic days, I will tell you all the nitty-gritty details with no emotional feelings attached, laugh here and there, and even throw in a joke. But I may think you very rude depending on how you ask me. Because although it's not a touchy subject for me whatsoever, generally it's
suppsed to be a touchy subject, and therefore, should be treated as such. For example, asking me whether or not my past about my eating disorders is a touchy subject (even if you know it isn't after reading this post) would be nice. I'll most likely reply with a, "Not at all!" Then what you do is ignore the "not-at-all" statement, proceed with caution and ask me if I'm cool with talking about it. I'll probably say, "Totally cool!" Then, you can talk about it with me as if it
WERE a touchy subject anyway, and I'll most likely think you're a very nice person.
Although I'll probably humor you even if you casually and carelessly go, "Oh, yeah, btw, that time when you wouldn't eat? You were like blah blah blah,...how did you think/feel about blah blah blah...", I shall permanently label you as a very rude, and unthoughtful person. I mean, imagine if I
WAS really troubled by my past, and imagine if it really
WAS a big deal for me? I know many ex-anorexics who's past troubles them greatly. So for their sanity's sake and for your own future's ass' sake, it would be wise to cushion your words when addressing topics like this.
But you already know that.
Anyways,
Dad asked me to write up a paragraph or so of encouragement for people who are struggling with eating disorders, or other such addictions like drugs, alcohol, etc. And yeah, I was talking about how I agreed
reluctantly. I was reluctant because:
*I'm lazy
*I wasn't sure if I could remember how things were exactly, or if I could come up with anything encouraging other then, "Don't give up. You'll be normal some day..."
*People with eating disorders are stubborn and complicated, and the thought of being responsible for words that are suppose to be an encouragement and help them scared me.
(Note: Anorexic people scare me--big time)
But like I said, I agreed to give Dad a hand, and I found myself in front of my computer, hands on the key board, and deeply troubled by the fact that I couldn't come up with much that would encourage. I would write a sentence, then delete it. And I continued the process several times. I guess the fact that I'm so unemotional about my past makes me a little harsh on people struggling with such problems. So I took a few moments of silent meditation, and decided to take a little trip down memory's lane, and tried my best to
feel. A few minutes of
feeling my past was enough for me to write a full paragraph of encouragement for those who have the eating problem.
Anorexic people are selfish, self-centered, and stubborn. They may be insanely difficult to be around, uncontrollably emotional, horribly rude, depressed, scary-looking, not fun, and entirely beyond hope. But there's ALWAYS hope. I mean, I was like that once upon a few years ago, and obviously those things aren't issues in my life anymore. See? Hope for me, hope for them, hope for you. They're also going through mental and physical pain you can only begin to imagine, so they're not like that to piss you off. And although they may not show it, they need you, and more then anything, they need to know that you love them, that you will be there for them and fight with them till the end, and that you have faith--faith in them, and faith for a 100% recovery.
And ladies and/or gentlemen, if YOU so happen to be struggling with an eating disorder, yes, there's hope. Yes, you will be normal someday, and yes, it's possible. Even if it seems like every step forward reveals how deep in **** you are, I promise you that if you keep taking those steps forward, even if it's half a step, or a stumble forward, (Heck! Even if you can only crawl forward) you will someday find yourself in a very beautiful place, (and I'm not talking about Heaven) where your present worries and struggles and nightmares are a thing of the past, and if you're anything like me, you'll be able to smile and even laugh at how silly those things used to be to you. I know you want that. So keep fighting. I mean it!!
One more thing. When mom and dad, friends and family extend a hand to you, TAKE IT! Deep down in your heart you know you need that help. Let them help you. Let them love you. Because despite all your excuses and reasons, you need them, and they need you too.
Is life worth living? Absolutely!
P.S.Somebody once asked for pictures of me during my excessively skinny days, but that's pushing it a bit too far. Because like most girls, I'm conscious of how I look (you know...vain?) and I was totally unattractive and out of proportion, so the answer is no, I won't show you any pictures. Unless you're family. (Note that the "f" wasn't capitalized.)
