ganbaranaito

Eiko says...

My life follows two cycle, generally speaking. I have my self-destructive cycle and I call the other one the self-productive cycle.

When I'm in self-destructive mode, I drink, smoke and eat with the word 'destruction' behind all my actions, influencing everything. Everything I do tends to reflect that word during this time. I find packs of empty M.reds all over my room. A decent collection of empty bottles of wine accumulates on the corner table, and the garbage bin for cans fills up twice as quickly. I'm inconsistent with my work outs. I feel sluggish, lethargic, drowsy, sleepy, unmotivated, and moody.

When I'm in self-productive mode, I stay far away from alcohol, I eat clean, and my consumption rate for cigarettes drops to less than one pack a week. I work out at every opportunity, and I'm happier, cleaner, and fitter. I'm more alert, and I get more accomplished. I turn down drinking gatherings, and I sleep early. My skin clears up.

Right now, I'm struggling to climb out of my self-destructive cycle. I know that if I don't soon, my obsession for drinking and cigarettes will be too hard to break free from. It's not easy as it is already, and this particular self-destructive cycle has been going on for a bit longer than usual. It's taking it's toll on me, and the scary part about it all is that I'm getting comfortable in my bad habits. It's not good.